Twenty years ago I considered myself somewhat ‘normal’ while feeling and looking twenty one- literally sort of. I was forty and recently divorced with two children. That point forward I started to discover the real me. I divorced out of a mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive marriage. I didn’t anticipate how my children’s views of me were tarnished by their father. I was alienated, disrespected, un-mothered, and torn apart by false accusations and baloney court cases. I should not have survived the harsh abuses and reality of people who took advantage of me – one more devastating than the other.
I didn’t speak up. I tried to fight but fell right into the role of being manipulated, twisted, gaslighted, doubting myself, silent self. I said I wouldn’t let my husband control me anymore but he still does through the children and grandchildren. My silence caused my children to believe the lies and narratives as well as create some of their own false memories. Basically I lost my children because of my Autism. I’m going to say something that every late-Autism-discovery person says: “I always knew I was different.” I tried to move on but was abducted by another controlling man scooped me up. I said I didn’t want to date him but that didn’t matter. I said I didn’t want to buy a house so far from my kids, I cried about it. But that didn’t matter and I bought that house anyway. I was trying to move on to live a normal life. But I wasn’t normal. I finally dumped the controller only to get sucked into one relationship after another controlling relationship.
The constant conflict of maternal instinct vs. the abduction of my children’s love for me was more than most ‘normal’ (neural typical) people could endure. After a while it became difficult to function making mistake after mistake. Literally, my executive functioning skills failed not matter how hard I tried to maintain and keep it together. Working became an extreme challenge. I got housemates to help with the bills. My life became a spiralling hot mess.
Facts
Involuntarily mute. I cannot speak up during confrontation. When I absolutely have to it comes out all wrong and at once. I can’t speak at all sometimes and just shut down. I want to but the words are stuck in my brain.
I’ve always had a learning disability but never sure what. I’ve had numerous hearing tests that were all perfect but I could not hear. Teachers put me in front of the class but it didn’t help. [Auditor Processing Disorder] I took excellent notes and read the books and taught myself the lessons at home. I still cannot process what I hear correctly and make sure I reiterate or repeat back often.
I’ve had social problems since I was nine. I thought it was a result of my parent’s divorce (when I was nine) and almost stayed back with all D’s and lack of participation. It was an Autistic shut down to deal with the overwhelming life changes. Social problems continue to current times with epic issues. I have only had a handful of solo friends throughout my life with no address book or connection to past friends or co-workers. This is a major issue for a references when job hunting. Anxiety to go to a social event starts weeks in advance, with numerous costume changes and panic attacks thinking about it. [Social Anxiety]
Money and impulsivity has followed me throughout life as well. I’ve gone bankrupt twice and most recently have given up my house of sixteen years with everything I’ve owned as a result of a major breakdown -Autistic shut down and burnout. I am starting over again, just picking up the pieces and pushing through.
Isolation and depression has followed me in my life, diagnosed with clinical depression after my breakdown. My main ‘theme songs’ in life were “Lonely People” by America, ” and “Lonely Day” by System of a Down.”
Stimming has embarrassed me starting in second grade when I had to wear my chewing gum on my nose if I got caught. I’ve bit my nails from early childhood til I was in my forties. I’ve smoked cigarettes until I quit, and again until I quit again. I shake my foot. I tap or flick my nails. I walk a lot (3-5 miles per day). I listen to fast-beat (140 bpm) music. I dance. I walk and dance. I cannot stay still.
Emotionally ignorant and do not understand the difference between thrilled or upset or how to read other people’s emotions – cry about everything.
